Under the Fly-over

Last Tuesday, my groupmates and I went to Santolan to hunt some good subjects for our documentary. I already have a particular subject in mind. So, as we stroll outside the crowded LRT 2 station, my eyes are searching for only one particular person.

I met him about 3 week ago ( I guess ) while waiting for my classmates in that same station. Dressed in an oversized shirt with lots of stains, he came to me and begged for a few coins. I then offered him my siomai and gulaman, then asked him to sit beside me. We chatted for a while. I asked him where he lives, where are his parents, and some background information. His name is Julius, he lives somewhere under a bridge, and he’s in 2nd grade. After receiving a 10 peso coin from me, he moved on to the next table. And then I moved on with my life too.

He was just another “palaboy” in Santolan for me, until I met him again last Tuesday.

By truly knowing and witnessing his life, I realized something I have always ignored: being happy and contented with all I have.

His home? A double sized stinky bed placed beside a pillar under a fly-over that serves as their roof. I can’t even imagine how they all fit their bodies in that bed. His bathroom? A big canal beside his ‘house’. Their source of water? A tube that secretes water from a steel factory. Is it safe? I don’t know.

It’s raining hard outside at this very moment, and I can’t help wondering, where are they going to sleep tonight?

This wall.

I’m very good at making other people believe that I don’t care.Well, I consider it a skill. A skill that is pretty hard to master. It doesn’t only require a pokerface, but a lot of experiences and a hard heart.

I’ve become a very insensitive person. Even my mom complains about it. I’ve built a wall around me, and only a few are allowed to get in.

The problem is, I’ve been trying so hard to put this wall down. But I can’t. I could break it down for a short period of time. But it keeps on growing back. Forbidding me to reach the people I want to love. In the end, they just give up. Leaving me locked up in this wall. Contemplating what’s wrong with me, and realizing how little my value is. I was never worth the risk for them. And the more people who give up on me, the higher and the stronger the wall gets.

I know someone who can break this wall. Ironically, he is the reason why it’s here. He helped me build it, without even knowing. I don’t even know if he’s aware about this gap. The saddest part is, he refuses to break it. He didn’t even try. Didn’t even reach out. Maybe, he doesn’t even want to get past it.

This doesn’t make any sense. Just ignore

i was trying to write a poem or a song (whatever it is)coz that’s what I do when I’m depressed…errr.. okay, broken hearted. But i’m not good with rhyming
words. so here I am, typing whatever shit that pops out of my brain.
It’s just fuckin annoying. This is cheesy but I think about him every minute. Like it’s a big achievement for me when I forget him for more than
an hour. Really. No exaggeration. It’s just so fucked up. I hate it.
I never saw it coming. I didn’t expect to fall this hard. I mean, I thought It’s just another fling or whatever you call it.
But.. wtf. Here I am, writing this whatever-it-is, putting my  feelings into words and somehow hoping that it could lighten up my burden.
Yeah, burden.
Maybe i’m sort of.. unlucky.. or better yet, cursed. I never really had a “real relationship” or even a real “admirer”.
All I get are those simple crush thingy, or those guys who’ll suddenly pop out of nowhere and hit on you and say nice things.
But aside from that? Nah.
My cousin was so shocked when I suddenly blurted out “I’ve never received a love letter..nor write one.. ever.”
Then she was like “seriously?!” with matching pitiful glare. Yeah. Why? I don’t know.
I really don’t know what’s wrong with me. I looked in the mirror, examined every inch of my reflection… I’m not that ugly. Am I?
I mean, I’m not pretty, I know, but I see a lot of girls who  were obviously less appealing than I am, but they have admirers and boyfriends.
Is it my attitude then? Am I that evil? Yes I’m a bit finicky, or may be snob but.. is it THAT unacceptable?
I’ve always been in “all girl circle of friends” who were,mostly, single. I have, but very few, male friends.
I used to be uncomfortable around the opposite sex, for reasons that I’m not sure of.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not desperate to have a boyfriend or anything like that. I just don’t understand why…WHY ME???!!
And, well.. It will be nice to have a hand to hold whenever I want to. Someone to talk to once in a while. A shoulder to nap on when i feel sleepy.
or Just simply someone to be with.
So whenever I get to meet a guy, I’m all like: maybe this is it. maybe it’ll be right this time. maybe this one’s different. maybe he really likes me.
maybe..maybe.. All the fuckin time. But all of them ended to nothing. Nah. Zero. Better luck next time.
Then I’ll be like.. ‘Aw, okay, enough..just focus on other things, It’ll come someday.”
Then a stupid guy will pop out again. Say nice things. Make me feel special. make me fall. then leave. then i’ll be like this again, writing nonsense things.
It’s a cycle.
Now, think about your other problems. Your grades are worse than your lovelife, bitch.

What’s on my iPod?

It’s funny how a song can instantly change your mood, or better yet, your outlook in life.

I’m having a love-hate (or love-then-not-so-love) relationship with my ipod. I’m not really a music lover. I even used to hate music due to my lack of talent in singing.

Well, I’m bestfriends with my ipod during vacant periods and emo moments :) I’ve made it a habit to drown myself in music when stress is arising.

You’ll know my current emotional status by hearing what’s playing on my ipod :)

What’s on my ipod?

I really don’t have a genre or such things. When I like a song, It’s either because it is pleasing to the ears or (most often) the lyrics is great.

I always focus on the lyrics. For me, it’s the most important component of a song. (Or maybe I should just read poems?)

Well, my favorites right now are:

-Thriving Ivory. -I just stumbled upon them while looking for a song to play on my grandpa’s burial. (yeah, weird) But their songs are great. I love Angels on the Moon and Alone. :)

-Regina Spektor. -First heard her song “hero” in the movie “500 days of summer”(my favorite). I liked it so I downloaded all her albums. well, totally worth the wait :)

-Eliza Doolittle. -while looking for clothes at Jellybean, I heard a very cute song playing. I asked the saleslady what the song title is, but she didn’t know. Good things the song is very catchy.”I just want to go home.. remove this handcuffs and let me goooooooo…” So I googled it :D

-Mindy Gledhill. - while browsing for E. Doolittle’s songs, Her song “I do Adore” catched my attention. That made her land on my favorites :)

-Maroon5. -I just love them. Who don’t? well.. “She will be loved” is just perfect :) just like Adam’s body. :9

-The Script. -I don’t think I have to explain further. :D

That’s just what popped out of my mind for now :D

i’ll burn in hell for this.. or maybe not.

Does being an atheist make someone a bad person? Nah I don’ think so. I am an atheist, and I do believe that I’m a good citizen of my country, a responsible human being, and I haven’t killed anyone.

Whenever people discover my being an atheist, they throw a suspicious look at me as if I’m gonna curse them or turn them into frogs. Jeez. We’re not demons. I am not in any way different from a normal person. I am perfectly human too. I just happen to have a different opinion. We all have different opinions in different issues, right? It’s like… I prefer white sauce for my pasta, and you want the red one.

I hate discussing this topic to my friends coz we often end up having a small argument that makes my blood boil. They tell me things like: “most atheist I know came from a broken family. That probably is the reason why you’re like that. You’re just troubled, Charm.” Dafuq? No.

I’m not forcing other people to believe in what i believe in. I never did, and I never will. In fact, I do think that having a religion is very important in a person’s well being. It could give you hope during impossible times.

Then why not have one?

I don’t need religion, I have a conscience. I’m not doing good things because I’m expecting for a life after death and endless whatevers. I’m not treating other  people nicely because I have wishes from god. I’m doing good things for the sake of it. I’m trying to be nice because I want other people to treat me nicely too. I am living in this world for the sake of it. I have already accepted the fact that several years from now I’ll be a worm food, or a fertilizer.

I was born a catholic. A hardcore one, actually. Been raised by extremely devoted religious family, and studied in a catholic school since forever. Goes to church every Sunday, and prays the rosary every afternoon.

Yeah. My parents still don’t know this. They’ll probably burn me alive if they knew. But, really, it’s my right. right?

Anyway, I really think it’s still better if you have a religion. In fact, I’m trying to get back my faith or something. But it’s hard. Well.. atleast I’m trying :D I’m still weighing everything.